frustration

I'm so sick of privileged people,

sometimes, they happen to be my friends,

I understand that they want what is best for me, but why can't they understand that,

they've never experienced what it's like to,

be discriminated as a fat person in primary school,

be discriminated as a masculine person in secondary school,

be discriminated as a poor and uncool person in international school,

be discriminated as bisexual vietnamese american in college,

all because of my name,

ngô bội sang,

that my parent gave me,

I've learned to roll with it,

times when teachers called me thằng sang in class,

times when assholes made fun of my middle name, boi,

times when people called my first name ngô, corn,

times when people overthink how to say a name,

by fucking everyone,

professors and everyone alike,

can't they just fucking go to google translate and insert someone's name?

and learn how to say it?

the only thing that school taught me was,

that I'm not good enough,

I never won a single literary prize,

I never won a single best delegate,

I had so many unrequited loves,

how can I love,

when the people with the most beautiful love stories always almost pass away in an accident?

bác nhất,

bác lớn,

my dad,

chẳng ai nhớ anh đâu,

chỉ có người trong nhà nhớ anh thôi,

that's the thing about pain,

that it demands to be felt,

that's the thing about trauma,

that no one wants to fucking talk about it,

I fucking hate thursdays,

days when I had to stay overnight and put up with the city's traffic and got home 4h later than my peer,

days when I barely had time to eat in research methods with evil fucking plummer,

I don't care that you're pregnant, or maybe your husband fucking sucks,

do you care about the fact that I live in the fifth floor of an apartment with a barely functional elevator, barely having time to eat or cook for myself sometimes?

that I wake up to mail theft anxiety?

my life is already hard enough,

why do you always step on an already suffering woman of color just to get ahead in academia?

expectations versus reality,

everybody talks, everybody judges,

no one fucking listens,

no one ever asks why,

that's why I love people that listen,

and that's why I long for friends that stay,

my parents had a house but not a home for me to grow up,

that's why years abroad taught me about what it's like to have a home,

it's not the materialistic things,

but the people that live in it,

and the sounds of it,

laughters,

I love you,

simple things like that.

learn to care more about how am I gonna feel?

than what they're gonna think?

I hate lying,

but I had to lie,

because my dad won't spend money on my tuition,

because my mom had to stay up to make my dream happen,

but it breaks my soul as a person,

priviledged people dont' realize that they're privileged,

I have to go through so much distance to go to class,

times that I lost my luggage,

times that I had to sleep over at the airport,

times that I had to work in the dining hall 14h a week, barely having enough sleep,

times that I applied to 40 jobs in the summer but no one accepted my fucking curriculum vitae,

and the reason why I'm discriminated,

is because I dared to be myself,

I don't have a lot growing up, but I've always made the most of it,

I understand the pain of not being able to afford something that you like,

I remember recesses running to the bookstore to read chemistry books,

I remember times when I read chemistry books in the library in middle school,

I remember not being able to buy a poetry book that I really liked,

I remember when my mom read my grandma's diary,

I remember when my mom read my diary,

I remember when my parents fight over a fucking mouse,

my mom cared about hygiene,

my dad cared about sentient beings,

they were both left handed,

so they can't think right,

my dad cared about the suffering of relatives,

my mom cared about the suffering of her customers,

no one could care about us,

but the one that suffered was their children,

everyone cared about their own peace of mind but not their chilren,

that's why I love the amazing world of gumball,

me and my sister,

we couldn't fucking speak up,

because who would fucking listen?

I can only cry quietly,

and sometimes my sister would threaten to tell my mom,

I want love,

but I can't fucking afford it,

the reason why I suffered,

is because I dared to be a good person,

despite all the pain that I went through,

suffering should not be normalized,

it should be minimized,

hồ chí minh was never burried to his will,

thomas jefferson, a fucking rapist still stands in dc,

every country have secrets,

necessary secrets,

I learn politics to realize that,

I fucking hate it,

I remember thursdays,

the day before friday, the weekend,

if they really love me, the first question they'd ask is

who hurt you?

sao con khổ quá?

có học, có tiền, nhưng rồi không có vui,

sao phải chạy theo định kiến xã hội,

để rồi đánh mất niềm vui thuở ban đầu?

please don't die for honor,

please don't die for love,

please don't die for freedom,

please don't die,

please survive and live for people that love you,

because that's literally vietnamese literature,

we died because of injustice.

I don't delight in the truth,

I depress in the truth,

I don't need a sticker to tell me that I can work,

I don't need a nobel prize,

I don't need a palme d'or,

I don't need a grammy,

I don't need white people judging if minority groups are worthy of their attention,

we're not a fucking human zoo for them to watch,

I hate going home because every time I go home what people care about is,

if I've taken husband and produce kid or not,

and not my career,

I'm tired of being told to drop everything and adopt kids.

when I grow up, I want to be a whatever,

yet still loved,

I am loved,

at least by myself,

I remember times I almost died,

first in a school trip because I didn't know how to swim,

I hate favoritism,

I hate professors that have favorites,

why can't they understand that everyone has different starting points in their life?

I entered this big hill as a silent note,

but I will graduate as the one that direct people,

climbing the social ladder helped me realize that,

I like walking on earth with people more,

the answer is not looking for a perfect job,

the answer is having a personality,

I won't wait for the law to change,

because it's so slow,

and people that want to break it would always do in the dark,

has always been,

toujours déjà,

so before you tell me to break up,

I will tell you that he's the first one that's ever given me a taste of home,

when he helped me move into my apartment,

when he drove me to the airport,

and picked me up from it,

I love him, because he work,

because he cares about his present and future,

but what can I say,

when he no longer wants to talk to me,

we fight for justice,

but I can no longer find reasons to justify my suffering,

I suffer, because of myself, and because of him,

loving is a contract to common suffering,

and because of the things all around us,

a result of injustice that's always looming around,

we fell in love because we had a common dream,

but can we make that dream a reality?

I can believe in 11,

but I can also not believe in it,

and believe in humanity,

knowing that he'd always be there for me,

at 11:11,

when no one is there,

he'll still meet me twice a day.

I don't want to believe in the fact that

the day I lost my camera was the fourth of july,

11/11 is international single day,

the 11th tarot card is justice,

the 11th reason why we sucks is because of nimby,

9/11 is when my grandpa died,

I don't want money or fame or anything, it's fucking annoying,

I just want peace of mind and sleep.

I've heard better love stories,

I've heard stoires of a couple that would overcome societal expectations to flee to america,

I've heard stories of a couple that met at work and built their first home together and they laughed at their first date when they realized were both left handed,

they didn't fight for vietnam or america,

they fought for love, and for peace,

only to fall back to inept politicians that would lie.

I wish I can stay with someone that one day we can say,

our love survived trump presidency.